It’s been a really…difficult week.
We came off a great Saturday last week, had made
plans to hit it hard this week and get lots of dogs shot, videoed, and evaluated.
I had a list of dogs completely filling my oversized index card that I just had
to get the skinny on. I walked into the
shelter on Tuesday Super Son by my side and we were hell-bent on getting dogs
out.
I walked in and immediately felt the air being sucked
out of my lungs as I took in the turmoil fleeing every staff member I walked
past. Full of determination I headed back to the adoption pod to see the dogs
we were there to work with but the door was locked. Angela called to me from
the front of the courtyard. We were not
going to be working with any of the dogs in that adoption pod and the words,
they may have to euthanize due to a possible exposure sliced into my heart. In
denial, I went for answers. I found not only more turmoil but something I never
want to find again, panic and desperate decisions. I felt we had just been hit
by terrorists and were about make choices of which hostages would live. I found
myself making pleas; there were tears, anger, and disgust. I wanted to grab the
key to that door, get them all out, and just run. But all I did was wander the
halls, trying to stop crying until I was finally numb.
There are those who may not understand why others
feel so deeply the pain of what this week brought. Perhaps then you can imagine walking up to
your kid’s school and being told you can't go in and see your children because
they may have been exposed to a deadly virus. Oh, and by the way, we may have
to euthanize them to contain the disease. This is what this week has been like
for me. And so they did euthanize many. Some were saved by means I don't want
to even question because I have accepted death this week for the so many just
because a few were spared. I feel hardened in some ways because I have allowed
myself to stop crying for those that died for those that got to live. Still, if
some were saved why couldn't all be saved? Who made this all about choosing
one and not another?
And yet, I go back. I go back to save the few I can
and tell myself I will not accept this sort of thing again. But, I have to
because if I don’t play the game, I will not be able to save any of them ever
again. So now it’s me that has to make the choice to save one when I cannot
save another.
It has been a really, really difficult week.
Thank you for being there fellow Team Irving members.
Robin
